After two events that happened to me in the last 24 hours, I feel forced to speak out yet again on this pandemic that is sweeping our society. People still do not take rape or rape culture seriously. They still often side with the girl asking for it, by how they dress and how they act. Or they say that it’s only a laugh, and a girl needs to get a sense of humour. Worst of all, they feel entitled to the sex they want from the woman even when she says no. Society paints this as a few jack the lads just having a laugh after a few drinks, and not a big deal. I can assure you from someone who has been sexually assaulted and raped multiple times, it is always a big deal and never a joke.
My first rape/sexual assault was at age 17 when an elderly neighbour and friend of the family decided when I was walking down my lane in the middle of a hot afternoon for some fresh air. That he would follow me, walking his dog and then push me over a stile in a field as I was stepping over and rip off my underwear in the skirt I was wearing. A long, baggy summer skirt I will comment. Nothing short, or revealing, just a cheesecloth skirt.
My second was at 21 when a ‘man’ older than me had been dating me a few weeks and decided he didn’t want to wait for sex any longer. Not that we had ever spoken about sex, nor had I ever shown any willingness to. While we were playing pool, I was wearing just a tee shirt not even clingy and baggy jeans. He shoved me over the pool table and tried to force me. Stuck his tongue down my throat before I fought him off by hitting him with the pool cue I was still holding. Getting the point it isn’t about the clothes or actions of the victim yet?
My next was when I entered an eight-year abusive relationship, which started nicely enough, but slowly turned to control and abuse. For the last two years of it, I was told if I wasn’t putting out to him then I must be to someone else. And told to lay there and take it or else. The else was violence. Some of it pretty bad. I would be held by my throat and pinned to the bed while he did what he wanted. In the end, I gave up fighting and just let him rape me as many times as he wanted. It got me hurt less. I went to the police in the end, when I finally escaped and tried to get a withstraining order as the man was following me everywhere. Turning up outside work, threatening me and others I knew. I was told once consent is issued, it can not be retracted so it isn’t rape. What a complete and total joke!
Years later, my next attack was by a female boss of mine. We worked in a hotel, she had just started so I was asked to give her a tour and show her to the room she would be staying in. I did as I was told, I went into the room to make sure the lights and everything was working correctly as she fetched in her suitcase. She shut the door and shoved me against the wall, sticking her tongue down my throat and her hand down my breast. I was wearing a black suit shirt and trousers. Nothing sexy there. I went to the police, with text messages and pictures she had sent me saying what she wanted to do to me. They did nothing, said it wasn’t worth taking it to court just leave the job and avoid her. She denied it had happened, and that I had led her on. Even with all the text message proof.
Six months later, I moved to a new town to escape her. Into a house share with four girls and the male landlord. He helped me move house, and settle in. On moving day he tried to kiss me, and I said no. After that, he constantly let himself into my room and sat on my bed waiting for me. Until I got home and told him to leave. When I cooked in the shared kitchen, he would always come in and brush ‘accidentally’ against me, in a huge wide open kitchen. Or he would reach for something, miss and grab my hand. Once I woke up and he was in my room, on my bed with me. Under the covers and holding me. I wanted to be sick. Because I wouldn’t sleep with him, he made me homeless. The police interviewed me and him and took his word against mine that he hadn’t done it and I had made it up for attention. Even after two more women stepped forward and said he had done things to them as well.
This is serious stuff, people are getting away with doing this because the law just isn’t taking this seriously. The police lady herself told me, that she knew he had done it but with limited public funds, they could only take a case of rape on if it was 100% going to win in court. otherwise, it was pointless. This is the problem when these things are reported nothing happens. So, they get away with it, they find it a game and then continue. Then in ten years, when the rape has turned to murder, and we have a serial killer on the run. Everyone is omg why did no one see the signs? We could have stopped him before he devolved. Hunni, I bet you 100 women or more did report him and nothing happened. Which is why he turned into what he did. Even a man who confessed to raping a woman (a story given to me by a friend) was not convicted! What actually has to happen for a rape victim to actually gain justice?
This kind of attitude is breeding rape culture. The slap on the ass of someone passing by, the grope of someone’s breasts in a bar. The sexual comments at work, it is all part of normalising rape. Leading to mass shootings in America when a man is spurned by a woman. If she won’t fuck me, then she won’t fuck anyone. She is dead now hahaha, I won! The laws being spoken of talking about consensual and non-consensual sex. No such thing, you wanted it or you were raped. Stop giving it a term to help the person how decided to violate another person for fun. Don’t blame, drink, drugs, or anything else on why you did it!
People blame clothing, wrong. Rape was just as common in Victorian times when women didn’t even show ankles. It is just as common in women who wear full body covering clothes like Muslims. It is still just as common in children. Just as common, if not more so in men getting raped by other men (and women) who don’t even bother speaking out about it as they won’t be believed.
I have covered only the key attacks in my life here, I have ignored hundreds of touches, gropes, threats to fuck them or they will hurt me. But, now I will list a few as examples from the last few weeks.
Standing at a bar with three female friends, a young man comes up to me. Grabs my hand and pulls me away. I’m okay. Can I help you? He says outside. So, I step carefully over the thresh hold staying right by the door so he can say what he wants to say without the loud music. He doesn’t say anything, just tries to pull me towards a taxi. I said no, pulled away and turned back to the door. He grabbed me again and told me “Come now, we fuck” (a Polish man I now discover). I said no again, and tell him not to touch me. He storms back over to me, takes out his wallet, throws money at me and says again “We fuck!” Unsurprisingly I slapped him. I report him to the bouncers and the police. I get told it is just a cultural misunderstanding. No, it doesn’t matter if you are black, white, Muslim or a frigging alien from Mars. This is England, my country, with my rules. And my laws, say you don’t have the right to rape a person or try to force them into anything they don’t want to do. It is not ‘a laugh’, it is not ‘just banter’, it is not ‘just someone being overly sensitive’ it is wrong, end of. Stop thinking otherwise.
Monday, I was on a bus in Manchester looking at the sights. A Muslim man gets on, sits next to me even though there are loads of empty seats. I sigh and move away from a little as he has literally sat on the edge of my outfit pushing against me. I move, he presses more against me. This happens like five times. So, I turn more so my back is facing him and just the side of my hip. So, he rests his arm on my hip and keeps dusting his shorts so his fingers can slip onto my leg. I got up and left the bus. Complaining to the male driver, who told me I was being racist. Oh sure, its racist to say don’t touch me! I waited for the next bus, ten minutes. Only to find he had also got off the bus, stood in a doorway to watch me where I couldn’t see him. Then got on the bus with me, again sitting next to me. I shoved my bag between us this time. He again starts pushing up towards me. Tries to touch me and I move my bag into the way. Then shoves his phone at me, with it typed out ‘I like you, can we fuck’. I told him to fuck off and leave me alone. He got up and left the bus moaning about rude English women. Talk about the most creepy man in the world!
Then today, I dare to walk five minutes down the road to the post office wearing shorts as it is very hot. On the way back, a man with a van. A man old enough to be my father or even grandfather. Shouts after me, ‘Get in.’ I ignore him and keep on walking, after a quick glare. Got shouted at again ‘Get in, you are coming home with me’. Disgusting that anyone thinks this is an okay way to speak to another person!
I am so sick of myself, my female friends being hassled when they go out like this even in the middle of the day. I mean, it’s barely even lunchtime. I am tired of my male friends, and my gay friends of all colours of the rainbow being treated this way. In short, I am tired of rape culture in every single one of its forms. It needs to end, right now. Full stop! No one should ever feel pressured, no one should feel scared to go out because of rape culture.
Literally, two hours on from posting it, I am finding my friend list divided between those in support and those who are enjoying telling me that its just banter, and not a big deal. You can’t class it as rape culture. Yes, you can. Rape culture is everything from the very first bad seed, all the way through to actual penetration. Until people start seeing that. Until people stop saying well this is ok, but this isn’t. Until people make a stand and rise up, terming all this crap together as wrong. Nothing will change, as I am seeing on my friend’s list on my personal account today. People who are just completely patronising my past experiences like they don’t matter at all like I don’t matter. Something that has left me very upset. This is exactly why I never reported my first two rapes/sexual assaults. I didn’t think people would believe me or take it seriously. This is why so many rapes, sexual assaults and sex crimes are not reported.
Change starts with you. So make it.